For those new to anal sex and anal play, the idea of something going in where normally they only come out can be … intimidating is a good word to use. Anal pleasure is a taboo subject. Our society tends to associate it with submission (in a negative sense not the awesome power-exchange sense), pain, or as a way to avoid pregnancy or “keep him happy.”
While anal sex can involve some pain and anal training is a wonderful thing to do with One’s submissive, it is also an intimate experience you can have with your partner, no matter your sexual orientation or interest in kink. We are going to look at anal sex toys and anal training together and discover ways to make it a pleasurable experience for both of you.
About Anal Sex and Anal Play
One mistake people make when they begin to explore anal sex and anal play is thinking that it has to hurt (yes, there may be some pain, but when we’re talking about sexual play, pain and hurt are not the same thing. Hurt indicates possibility for injury and unpleasantness). This idea comes from a tendency to go all out on the first experience – going from nothing to anal sex thinking only a little lube is necessary. We see this in porn all the time. The inexperienced person, usually a pretty starlet, is about to have her “first time” with a big, giant penis that goes all the way in.[i]
If you start with penetration before doing anything else, it will hurt. Not only that, though, you can get hurt. Instead, you want to ease into anal sex and anal dildos with training. Take your time, over several sessions, and allow your body to get used to the sensations. Starting small and easy with your anal pleasure has a few benefits:
- It helps you relax and enjoy the experience.
- It helps you become accustomed to anal play a little at a time, allowing you to move on to more intense play and larger objects.
- It helps you gauge what you will and will not enjoy. Maybe you discover you do not like full-on penetration but enjoy having the outside of the anus stimulated. It is better to discover that with a small anal plug or narrow prostate massager than a penis or large dildo.
Anal plugs are wonderful multi-taskers. They provide anal pleasure. They enhance vaginal intercourse for both partners by making her tighter. They also help condition the body to receive larger objects, making them idea for anal training. While they have a simple design – a short, tapered shaft that varies in width from very narrow to broad and a flared base – using them correctly is important.[ii]
- Choose an anal plug that has a wide, flared base to avoid it slipping fully into the body.
- Choose a material you are comfortable with and that you are not allergic to.
- Insert the plug slowly. For beginners, it is best to use a plug with a narrow body until you become accustomed to it inside you. Slowly work your way up in plug width until you are happy with the final size. If you are training up to a specific size dildo or penis, you should train up to a plug size that is the same or slightly larger than the target size. This will make penetration with your desired object or person easier later.
- Plugs are designed to stay inside the body. You can wear it during foreplay and vaginal sex. You can also leave it in during daily activities. It is important, however, not to leave the plug in too long, as you can develop ulcers or sores around the sphincter. Exactly how long you can leave the plug in will depend on your own body, but as a general guide, 2 hours should be the maximum.
For beginners who are intimidated by anal plugs, anal beads are a better way to ease into anal training. Anal beads are made of small balls, usually plastic or rubber attached with a string or molded into a single piece. Anal beads can be the same size, but for anal training, it is best to use beads of varying sizes. When using anal beads, it is important to remember a few things to ensure you enjoy the experience.[iii]
- Be careful of the type of string your toy has. If possible, using molded anal beads is best. If you are considering a stringed toy, make sure that the string does not have knots around or between the beads. Also, make sure that the bead is fully closed and molded around the string. If not, bacterial will accumulate between the bead and string, ruining the beads and possibly leading to infection.
- When you are ready, insert well-lubed beads one at a time. You should not experience any significant pain upon insertion. You also will not experience much pleasure. The point of the beads is to help stretch you and to experience pleasure when you pull them out. As long as you feel no discomfort, continue inserting the beads until you are done.
- Continue any other activities. For women, anal beads can enhance vaginal intercourse. They can also provide additional stimulation for her partner. You can also do other forms of play while the beads are inside, including teasing the O-ring or genital stimulation.
- When ready, pull out the beads. When you pull them out will depend. You can pull them out during orgasm or just following it to help enhance the feeling. Note, however, that the act of pulling out the beads is the primary pleasure of the experience. The beads pass through the sphincter, stimulating the nerve endings there, so it feels very nice no matter what else is going on.
- Take care not to go too fast. You should insert beads slowly. Likewise, you should remove them slowly. Too fast, and you can injure your partner. You will also minimize the pleasure your partner feels. A slow, steady pace will allow your partner to enjoy and savor the sensations of each bead leaving the body.
Contrary to what you may have heard, anal play is pleasurable for men – even if you are straight. Fortunately, more men are getting this message as we become more accepting of different lifestyles. The best part, this is something you can enjoy alone or with your female partner. You can start with sex toys and, if you feel adventurous, give her a strap-on later to let her experience the thrill of penetration.[iv]
Why is anal play pleasurable for men?
- It is taboo. Sometimes, we enjoy “getting away with things” or doing things we are “not supposed to” (no matter how misguided those rules are). This combined with physical pleasure can made anal play an intense experience.
- The O-ring has many nerve endings.
- The prostate. The prostate is the male equivalent of a woman’s G-spot. You can find it two ways.
- Insert a finger into your (or your partner’s) ass and curve your finger about 2 inches inside his body. You should feel some resistance to pressure and he should feel intense pleasure.
- Feel along the taint (the perineum – the area between his scrotum and ass). As you press in gently with your fingers, you should feel resistance and he should feel pleasure. This method is ideal if he wants to experience prostate stimulation but not anal play.
For men who enjoy anal pleasure, the prostate massager is an ideal tool. The curved design reaches the prostate, providing intense stimulation, with or without vibrators.
Sex Toy Safety and Care
Whatever the type of anal sex toy you choose – or your purpose in pursuing anal play it is important to remember safety and care for your toys. Caring for yourself, your partner, and your sex toys will ensure that you enjoy these activities again.[v]
- Use toys designed for anal play. Your anal sex toys should have a wide, wide ring base, or adequate curvature of the base to prevent the toy from slipping up into the ass. During anal play, your muscles tighten considerably. This tightening rather than pushing objects out often does the opposite, pulling sex toys in. Since anal play requires lots of lube, it is difficult to prevent narrow-base toys from slipping in. This often leads to embarrassing emergency room visits and can lead to injury, so it is important to scrutinize your anal toys carefully.
- Purchase sex toys made of quality materials. Rubber, silicone, glass*, and metal all make fine sex toy materials, as long as you are comfortable with the material and are not allergic to it. If you invest in a quality toy, it will last a long time and be safer for your body. It will also be durable.
- Use plenty of lubricant. The rectum does not provide its own lubrication, so you will need to provide it. When choosing a lube, make sure the lubricant and your chosen sex toy work well together. Generally, water-based lubes are the best. If you prefer other types of lube, remember these material and lubricant guidelines.
- Rubber/Latex – Water or Silicone-based lubes. Avoid oil-based.
- Vinyl – Water, Silicone, or Oil-based lubes.
- Metal – Water or Silicone-based.
- Silicone – Water or Oil-based. Avoid Silicone-based, as this type of lube will dissolve your sex toy.
- Glass – any type of lubricant.
- Avoid desensitizing creams and lubricants. If you have discomfort or unpleasant pain during anal play, try something else or go slower. If you desensitize the area, you may miss important pain signals that indicate injury until it is too late to avoid a serious situation.
- Pay attention to the pain you experience, especially starting out. Yes, you will experience some pain during anal play. However, pain should never be extreme, overly unpleasant, or long lasting. The pain you experience normally involves the stretching of the O-ring and rectum and can be somewhat pleasant, depending on how you respond to pain. It is also short lived, easy to become accustomed to, and does not signal injury. If you notice pain accompanied by discomfort or you are not sure about the pain, slow down and ease back on the play. As you become more experienced, you will be able to recognize when pain signals normal play or signals possible injury.
- Pain receptors change deeper into the rectum (beyond 2 – 3 inches). You may not feel pain. If you feel discomfort such as bloating or intestinal irritation, stop anal play. If you bleed for more than a few minutes, seek medical attention immediately.
- Start small and work your way up to larger, more intense toys. Since you will need to train your body to stretch, starting with smaller toys makes anal play easier and minimizes the pain you experience. As your body gets used to smaller plugs, probes, and beads, you can move up to larger, wider toys.
- Do not rush. It can take weeks or months to train yourself. Enjoy the experience. Give yourself ample time to get used to an activity or toy size before moving onto the next. You will find if you take your time, that you will be more relaxed. As you progress, you will find that activities are less painful and that the pain you do feel is more pleasing.
- Do not share anal sex toys. If you and your partner both enjoy receiving anal play, you should each have your own toys (even if you are a same-sex couple). This will help protect you from STDs, HPV being the most common (it can cause anal warts and in rare instances lean to cancer). Even if you are not worried about STDs, you should still avoid sharing toys. Each person has a unique balance of flora in their gut. Sharing toys can upset this balance leading to intestinal upset. If you must share a sex toy, use a condom over the toy.
- What goes in the ass stays out of the vagina. No exceptions (no matter how “clean” the toy is). Anal flora will cause vaginal and bladder infections that can be painful and sometimes harmful to a woman’s health.
- Thoroughly clean your anal toys. Use sex toy safe cleansers. Avoid hand soap, dish soap, and harsh cleansers. Thoroughly dry your toy before storage. You should keep your toys stored in a dry, cool location.
- If your anal sex toy is made of especially soft materials or flesh-like materials (most common with silicone toys), you can store your clean and dry toy in special refreshing powder. You can use a powder designed for your sex toy or use cornstarch. Simply sprinkle the cornstarch gently over the toy before storing it.
Note: Do not store your sex toy in baby powder or talcum powder. This can damage the toy and be harmful to your body.
*Are Glass Toys Safe?[vi]
If you have never used a glass sex toy before, the idea of placing, glass in sensitive parts of your body can seem … strange. Glass sex toys are becoming more common and less expensive as their popularity increases. These toys can be safe, however you should be especially careful when purchasing, using, and caring for your glass anal sex toy.
- A glass sex toy is not for rough play. Take it easy with the toy and let your partner enjoy the smooth (and sometimes textured) sensations.
- Always check the toy for scratches, chips, or cracks before use. It is very unlikely that a well-made sex toy will shatter or break inside your partner’s body (if you use it properly) but it can become damaged in between play. Never use a damaged glass toy. Discard it immediately.
- Make sure the glass toy is made of high-quality material. Borosilicate is generally the glass of choice, but as manufacture of glass sex toys increases, other types of glass are becoming more common as well. Whatever type of glass you choose, it should be tempered so that it withstands different temperatures, pressures (so that it won’t crack when your partner squeezes), and resists breaking, fracturing, or shattering.
- Never boil, freeze, bake, or microwave your sex toy. Glass toys are wonderful for temperature play, but you should take care not to injure your partner. Directly heating or cooling your sex toy will injure your partner. Instead, heat or cool the toy in warm or cold water.
- Always research your sex toy before purchasing it. Read reviews, learn what materials it is made of, and decide if it is the toy for you. The Chi Glass P-Spot Massager is an example of a good glass anal sex toy.
- It is thick. Thinner toys will have weaker stress points that have the potential to break during play.
- It has a wide flared base, making it less likely for the body to pull it up when tense.
- It is tempered, so that it is strong and resistant to damage.
[vi] http://goodvibesblog.com/ask-the-doctors-glass-toys-safety ; http://dangerouslilly.com/2016/05/glass-sex-toy-safety ; http://www.allsexguide.com/glass-dildo.html